I do not recall ever dreaming of being a mom or seeing a baby and melting. It was never in the forefront of my mind. It was always in my mind, way back in my mind that I as a type one, I probably just would not have that experience in my future. I would just convince myself it was not for me and I did not need it, the stress, the risk. Truthfully it really does scare me to think about becoming a mom with this disease that I am battling every second of every single day.
I am flashing forward to the past few months things have really changed for me. I want to be a mom and I want it very badly. I want it more then I want to really let on. I am still scared and still full of doubt and fear. Is it safe for the baby? Is it safe for me? Will I have more complications? Will I even be a good mom with my type one struggles? These things weigh on me. I have diabetic macular edema and diabetic retinopathy. They are both complications from the damage years 21 years of diabetes has given me. These two things alone have paralyzed me with fear as far as getting pregnant.
I realized all my hesitation about having a baby is wrapped up in fear. I do not want that. I want to at least try and let my husband and eye experience a baby. I am unsure of what the future holds, but I do know I have decided to not let my diabetes be the reason that is holding me back. There are so many Type ones that have had successful pregnancies and have beautiful healthy kids.
I have become very excited thinking about the possibility. I want to be a mom. That is something I feel really great about.
So I write with not so happy news. A couple weeks ago I went and saw a specialist with my husband. I wanted to know the reality of what I was looking at diabetes wise as far as my risks the babies risks ect. After sitting with the doctor and talking she informed me that in her medical opinion it is not safe for me to have a child. I am and was completely devastated. There has been days of crying and deep sadness. My complications that I already have from my diabetes can and probably would get worse. That is not something I am not willing to gamble with. MY personal choice is to not move forward with trying for a baby. I can not do that to the baby or my family or myself. I know there are so many diabetics that have healthy little ones and everything is great but I just cant risk that. This is MY personal experience and MY personal story.
I wish that I had a crystal ball that would tell me my eye disease would not progress or my kidneys would hold up, but unfortunately there is not. I feel like all these years my hesitation about having children was maybe just me listening to my gut. I think I always felt that for me the risk would be too high. I have regrets about not trying to have them sooner. Why was I not ready before? Maybe I would have had a successful pregnancy with no complications. I will never know what it is like to carry a baby, and that makes me sad. I am sad for me and sad for my husband.
One day we may look into adoption. Maybe we will get another dog. Maybe one day ill be at peace with this. Hope that day will come soon. That day does not feel close…
I am feeling all sorts of emotions on a daily basis. Im sad, angry, frustrated, I feel guilt. I am working on and choosing to be happy and grateful for what I do have, not for what I do not. I have good days and bad days but that is life. I am strong and I will work through this. There really is a reason for all that we are given or not given in this life and I am going to trust in that. This life is beautiful, hard, mysterious and unexpected and I am just going to focus on the good in it, even though it can be sprinkled with a bunch of hardships.
If you are going through this as well reach out to me I would love to talk. I have had a few weeks so digest everything and I am feeling hopeful and happy and the sadness visits a little bit less….